wishful thinking

my heart is heavy

i can't think straight

my brain actually hurts

right behind my eyes that are trying to do the work of my whole head.

my heart is aching

i can't help but to wonder

why the lives of dear loved ones

are turned upside down and inside out and shattered like glass for no good reason

inside i am weeping

for lost innocence of one who should still be innocent

for lost control of one who should be in control

for lost ambition of one so young, so young

for lost direction of one life, held dear to many but the self

what is one to do?

cupcakes will not make this better

cookies will not bring smiles

pot roast will not stir the soul

tea parties will not warm the heart

*praying today, hard, for friends*

take a deep, clean breath

honesty...i've been looking for you. hiding around tall tree trunks, whipping around bushes. where have you been?

goodness....have you left? where in the world are you? all i see is evil, and selfishness, and black

honor...do you even exist anymore? is there valor in this world yet?

there is....fresh air has entered my lungs, revived my spirit, and allowed me to believe in humanity, once again

unexpected rawness

i have certain blogs that i follow. some of them, i follow religiously. they feed me, they entertain me, they shock me. whatever their purpose, these musings speak to me.

today i'm in happy land:) it's my "observed" anniversary, as i didn't get to see matt at all yesterday--the real day. we're getting dressed up, going out, being together. i feel like a little kid on christmas eve!

so it's morning, and i'm sipping my first cup of hot coffee, and i'm catching up on these blogs. some are about cooking, some baking, some family. but one, i always love. and today, she wrote the unexpected rawness that we try not to acknowledge. it's beautiful, and made me tear up because it is so completely true!

please, go to her site, right now. read her post today. let the emotions and the scratchy red raw take over. comment here! i'd love to see if it spoke to anyone else, or if it was just meant for me today:)

four years

four years ago, this morning, i was sipping a mimosa

poured by my sister

curls falling down my back

four years ago, this afternoon, i was waiting in the choir room

all dolled up

sipping tomato soup in my white wedding dress

four years ago, this evening, i was standing before loved ones

pronouncing my love for this man

this gentle man who took me by his side

four years ago, tonight, i was dancing with my husband

dancing with my pop pop

dancing with my daddy

four years ago, today, i embarked on a new life

filled with love, joy, silliness

pain, hurt, and tears

a life together

separate no more.

happy anniversary matt!

this is one of my favorite wedding photos...him looking at me as i VERY nervously walked down the aisle. my dad couldn't even give me the whole "you don't have to do this" speech because i almost cried! i was just so nervous to proclaim my love in front of 104 people. but that smile says it all:)

because i know you are all sick to death of wedding photos...a final favorite!